The Universal Calling

A holy marriage is the universal, antecedent calling of all men and women. God created man and woman to live in this intimate society together, and all people desire this in one way or another. Even in those called to the priesthood, the monastic life, or consecrated celibacy, the heart is built for marital love, even as something deeper calls it higher. Barring such a calling, or an impediment which makes marriage impossible, all men ought to seek this venerable state.

But note my opening: marriage is the default, and marriage today is only achieved by dating first. Since this call is ordinary and universal, all men ought to be clear on its nature. The Church hands out pamphlets on discerning the religious life with clear instructions; why is there no such thing for dating? Do the faithful not deserve a clear set of guidelines on how to navigate it? Is the calling of the many not a more pressing topic than the calling of the few, especially when holy marriages are the very means of producing men and women with the generosity of heart needed to pursue the religious life? Though the Church has stood firmly against the perversion of those outside of her boundaries, she has done far too little to show her children what “right” looks like.

This is a symptom of numerous issues, but they are a subject for another day. I am writing this article to share a model I’ve used in my dating and married life, based off of multiple magisterial sources and scripture, which should help to give you clear, concise direction on the topic. This article assumes you understand the basic prohibitions of the Church (namely, fornication and contraception). If you do not, you can read about that here.

Dating

In considering a course of action, we must always first discern the object. What is the object of dating? Marriage. The proper telos of dating is not experiencing the butterflies or having fun; it is the discernment of marriage (though fun should be included). What, then, are the most expedient means to achieve this? We will consider four subjects: beliefs, intimacy, virtues, and timing.

Beliefs

I will be blunt: you should never date someone who is not Catholic (unless they are willing to try it). You should not date a lukewarm Catholic. Yes, St. Paul says that a believing spouse sanctifies an unbelieving one (1 Cor. 7). But St. Paul spoke in a time where Christianity was brand new, so such situations were common and involuntary. St. Paul explicitly warns not to become too close to unbelievers voluntarily (2 Cor. 6). The reason is simple: it is much easier to tempt a holy person by common, base tendencies than it is to lift a base person up to uncommon, holy tendencies (Eph. 5). Marriage and child rearing is a difficult thing; the last thing you need is an antagonist to the faith living in your home, exercising authority over you and your children and carelessly tempting you to sin.

We must seek marriage with a uniquely Catholic understanding. Marriage is not just a fun ceremony, nor a piece of paper, but a solemn, indissoluble covenant. When a couple stands before each other, their families, the community, and God, God Himself condescends to them, and creates – as only He can – a sacramental relationship between them. This bond is stronger and closer than any natural relationship could ever hope to be. Catholic spouses are bound to each other until death, in an even more intimate bond than a parent to a child, or a sibling to a sibling. As Christ would never abandon His Church, so you may never abandon your spouse. But only a Catholic spouse could understand such total immolation, such complete commitment. Only a Catholic spouse could see marriage for what it is: two lambs offered as a holocaust to each other and to God.

Intimacy

Intimacy is, of course, crucial to a successful relationship. There are both conservative and liberal boundaries regarding premarital intimacy, and understanding these is a good first step. First, on the conservative side, we must note that it is not in any way necessary to kiss, hold hands, nor cuddle to be intimate with someone. I know, I know; you watched Disney growing up, you think these are obligatory. They’re not. You can have an intimate relationship that just involves talking and going on walks. On the liberal extreme: following St. Thomas’ teaching, Pope Alexander VII decreed that passionate kissing (defined as kissing for the sake of carnal pleasure) is objectively gravely sinful for the unmarried, even if there is no danger of further consent, since carnal, stimulating pleasure belongs within marriage. For this same reason we must avoid sharing a bed while unmarried, especially overnight, and (obviously) anything overtly sexual.

Between these two boundaries, there is the exercise of prudence. First, we must always avoid scandal. For example, if one wants to have a long conversation with their partner, they should not do it in the bedroom, even if there is no risk of sinful temptation, because it may cause others to suspect impropriety. Second, we must always avoid temptation according to the “lowest common denominator.” So, if one partner is aroused by certain touches, they should be avoided, even if most would find them innocuous. Third, physical touches should come along slowly. Though there is certainly no prohibition on something like a quick and affectionate kiss, physical intimacy is a shortcut to attachment, and strong attachment prior to engagement is antithetical to sober discernment. Many unhappy marriages start with sentimentalism overriding reason. Fourth, the golden rule of dating: don’t do anything you wouldn’t do around your grandma.

Virtues

One does not need to be perfect to be married. However, we must all be aware of this: that marriage does not fix vices. At the bare minimum, neither party should have an active, regular inclination towards sexual sin (namely, pornography and self abuse). Know that one who will sin with you before marriage will sin against you after marriage. Dating is practice for marriage, which is a great exercise in chastity. Sure, marriage comes with the ability to gratify the flesh sexually, but it also comes with the obligation to never so much as look at anyone but your spouse with romantic curiosity ever again, for it is not lawful to look with curiosity at that which it is not lawful to have (Job 31:1). Dating is not a preparation for gratifying the flesh; it is a preparation for mortifying the flesh, and we must prepare appropriately.

As commitment increases, love must increase, and doubts and vices must diminish. If your relationship is sending you to the confessional, it is time to for radical change. If your relationship is causing more sin as it goes on, it is time to end it. Ultimately, one ought to date with the recognition that the celibate state is superior to marriage, and with the goal of using marriage and its graces not as an outlet for fleshly desires, but as a tool to give and receive and grow in the love that comes from a chaste heart; the sort of heart our Lord showed us when He hung on the cross, dying willingly for the very bride whose betrayal put Him there. The goal of dating is marriage, and the goal of marriage is overcoming the flesh, not succumbing to the flesh.

Timing

For prudential purposes, one should never get in engaged in less than three months. However, if all of the above is understood and lived out, engagement can be rapid. Of course, this is contingent on fulfilling certain practical obligations, namely the financial. One ought to get married only if they can reasonably accept a child into the world and accommodate them immediately. Now, the pagans will complain that they have to be 35, have a vacation home and three cars before they can feel comfortable having children, but this is because the pagans love their pleasure, and thus fear having children; this is why half of all human lives end by abortion. But we are children of a Father who loves us with an undivided heart; we ought to love children above the lusts of the flesh, and consider them our most worthy and awesome expenditure, not an afterthought.

Marriage

If you skipped to this section because you are already married, I would recommend reading the dating section first regardless. Much as dating prepares one for marriage, so discussion about it prepares one for discussion about this. Here we will discuss the sexual relationship, the relationship of husband and wife, and of parents to children.

The Sexual Relationship

The absolute upper boundary of what is lawful in a premarital relationship is rather clear. But what about marriage? It is unfortunate that the Church’s modern understanding of marital sexuality is not informed by Pope St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, but by laymen who serially read perversion into it. For example, Christopher West, commonly referred to as the prime authority on these matters, regularly proposes scandalous or outright sinful advice, such as the idea that a “mature sexuality” involves staring freely at women besides your spouse, directly contrasting scripture and countless saints. Our generation’s formation comes primarily from the depraved world and a cowardly Church; the Church’s true understanding of sexuality is a radical departure from modernity. This should hopefully come as no surprise.

Now we must understand that the marital act is good in itself. We are not Manichaeans who believe that the body is bad. The body is good, and God bestowed all natural desires in His goodness. Further, well-ordered sexual acts within marriage are meritorious; they actually increase one’s holiness. However, there is such a thing as excess within marriage. There is such a thing as lust within marriage, and even mortal sins of lust. Sexual sins within marriage all come from some perversion of nature, justice, love, or generosity. How might we offend these in the context of marriage?

First, nature. The most blatant is the use of contraceptives. The nature of contraceptives is to frustrate the completion of the act, which is against reason and unbecoming of man. St. Thomas bluntly says, “[he is lustful who] intends not human generation but venereal pleasures.” Now, this is common knowledge amongst Catholics, but another teachings which follows from this logic is not so common. St. Thomas, the common doctor of the Church, teaches that penetration anywhere except the vagina is “monstrous” and goes on to say that it is “more grievous” if one completes the act in such fashion. St. Alphonsus Liguori, the doctor of moral theology likewise taught that sodomy – even with the opposite sex, even with vaginal completion – is a “deformity against nature.” Now, are these dogmas of the faith? No. But men should shudder to stand in opposition to the Church’s two greatest moral theologians.

Next, justice. Within marriage, we must recognize that sex is a debt. Now, this does not mean that one spouse can justifiably demand sex from the other against their will, as when they are exhausted or don’t have the time. However, this does mean that spouses must be generous with each other. It is a most grievous sin for one spouse to purposely withhold sex from the other as a punishment or bargaining chip, “for the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife” (1 Cor. 7). Of course, spouses may mutually decide to abstain from such pleasures voluntarily for the sake of prayer, and this is a great good. Any undertaking is greater the more it imitates the life of the blessed, which is a life of continence and tranquility.

Third, love. St. Thomas teaches that if one desires sex with their spouse out of love, it is meritorious; if one desires sex out of lustful need, but would never lust for anyone but their spouse, it is venial sin; yet, if one desires sex out of lustful need such that they would fulfill their desires unlawfully, then they commit a mortal sin, even if they fulfill the desire with their spouse. Our culture, which touts self-aggrandizement as the highest virtue, ceaselessly encourages sexual depravity. But sex between spouses should primarily reflect a desire to immolate oneself, not to gratify oneself. There is a profound gentleness in the embrace of two holy spouses. The glory of sex is not totally depraved freedom; it is totally self-controlled self-giving. Consequently, we must affirm that it is lawful and good for a man to help his wife to completion if he finishes first.

Finally, generosity. God gave us marriage as a gift (Gen. 2:18), and it is our responsibility to give back to Him. Many Catholic marriages which follow Church teaching on contraception nonetheless seek to keep “one foot in the world,” so to speak. Of course, I speak of the abuse of natural family planning. Now, the Church has given laypeople great latitude in determining which circumstances do and do not merit the use of NFP. But we should not use this leverage to act pharisaic and bend the rules. Though I cannot tell you whether your situation calls for it or not, I can tell you this: if you ache less for the sexual act and more to bring little ones into the world and love them, you are well-disposed to prudently judge your needs. If this is not your disposition, you need to pray for that grace.

Husband and Wife

“Just as the Church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands. [And] husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5). St. Paul relates the relationship between the husband and the wife to Christ and the Church. If we understand this relationship, we understand marriage. The husband is the high priest of the domestic church, the household. As the presbyter stands for Christ and transforms mere bread into the Bread of Life in the tabernacle, the very womb of the Church, so the high priest of the household transforms his wife’s womb into a place of life. The wife is the Church, who looks with adoration to her high priest, who loves his commands and judgments and carries them out with her children, who represent the faithful.

How ought a woman treat her husband? She ought to obey him with promptness and adoration, because he is her head. And how ought a husband treat his wife? He ought to obey her with promptness and adoration, because she is his special love. Let no woman who spurns her husband’s will, gossips about him, or despises his authority say that she loves Christ; her husband is Christ, and she hates him. Let no man who would do less than cry tears of joy at the opportunity to be crucified for his wife call himself a good husband; the only good husband is Christ, who came to earth for that very purpose and saw it through. If a household understands these realities, what evil could ever overtake it?

Now, let us discuss the male role in particular. Is Christ’s headship of the Church merely honorific? Certainly not; He leads her infallibly. A husband likewise has a special authority and duty: to lead the family well by studying and conforming himself specially to the mind of the Church. Christ grants to all husbands that special grace needed to guide the home’s religious and moral formation. Husbands who do not take this role seriously will have much to answer for at their judgment. With what callousness would a man disregard his duties to those God commanded to obey him out of reverence? Such a man is not Christ, but a pharisee; and as those who obeyed the pharisees did well, though the pharisees merited punishment for themselves (Matt. 23), so wives and children who obey neglectful men will be rewarded, even as the neglectful man merits punishment for himself.

Parents and Children

The ability to carnally create physical copies of ourselves is something we share in common with dogs and pigs. Even our ability to train our offspring in natural things is not particularly praiseworthy. It is our ability to create spiritual offspring that makes us Godlike, as the Father spiritually generates the Son. An excellent marriage does not just produce humans, but little saints.

But many parents fear this obligation, and don’t even try to fulfill it. This, I think, is for three reasons. First, the spiritual obligation it imposes on them. “A disciple is not above the teacher, but everyone trained perfectly will be like the teacher” (Luke 6:40). If you want to produce saints, you have to be one first. Few people truly wish to conquer their sins, even for the sake of their children. Second, the fear of discipline, especially the harsh discipline becoming of saints. But parents who despise discipline fail to realize that their children will either be restricted by discipline, or restricted by sin. The first produces real freedom; the second produces real slavery. Finally, they fear producing uncommonly holy children, children who may not fit in. But curiously, no one resists producing children who are uncommonly smart, strong, or good at sports – just uncommonly Godlike!

There are three stages before a child reaches adulthood, and each needs to be handled differently. When a child is too young to reason, you should not try to reason with them. There is no point trying to explain right and wrong to a four year old. Young children basically need to be trained like animals: reward good things and punish bad ones. This should not be excessive, but just enough to give them a real, instinctual fear of consequences. This discipline should include things like taking away good things (like treats), or positive punishments like a light smack on the hand. This discipline should never include yelling, berating, cussing, or any other excess. Parents should take care to avoid becoming emotional over their children’s’ behavior and falling into these sins.

When a child is old enough to reason, their intellectual formation should begin immediately. Parents should be capable of answering children’s questions about religion; foremost, they should be capable of providing age-appropriate, compelling evidence that God exists, that science does not conflict with God, and an answer to the problem of evil, as these questions are the most common reasons people fall away. They should not be exposed to complex topics like transgenderism until they are old enough to grasp them. Further, parents need to keep a special eye on the content children watch at this age. Many “innocent” movies and shows expose impressionable kids to harmful ideas. In particular, Hollywood has a prolific track record of portraying Christians as backwards troglodytes and oppressors (see Pocahontas), or portraying emotional infatuation as a higher virtue than family, duty, and self-control (see The Little Mermaid).

When a child reaches the appropriate age, they need to formally learn about sexuality from their parents. There is no greater source of moral confusion in our day than Catholic parents refusing to do this, expecting their kids to figure it out. This is no less insane than giving a monkey a nuclear bomb and trusting them to figure out how to defuse it. If one has done well morally forming their children, they should already be acclimated to discussions about moral decision-making, and this should be relatively painless. Parents’ roles as instructors continue until the child reaches adulthood. Over time, this role should become less severe, and more fraternal. Once the child reaches adulthood, parents become advisors. The goal is no longer the imposition and explanation of rules, but guidance in wisdom, which directs discipline and logic to a God who is beyond all understanding.

Conclusion

Much trouble in the world comes from people failing to understand that marriage is a religious vow. We have no right to mold this enterprise to our liking. Marriage is God’s creature, not ours, and it imposes a rule, even as a monastic vow imposes a rule. Christ commands us to “be perfect, as [our] heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:48). This command is not just for the monks and priests; all Christian paths ought to lead to perfection. The goal of marriage is the same as the goal of the religious vows, but a less expedient path. And the stakes are just as high, if not higher: “If any of you causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for you if a great millstone were hung around your neck and you were thrown into the sea” (Mark 9:42).

Knowing this, the married should exercise exceptional diligence in performing their duties, not laxity. And knowing that, those who are preparing for marriage should be exceptionally diligent in their discernment and preparation.